3am last night, I shut my door and went to bed, because the world was too noisy, sometimes you need to feel this world is yours and yours alone. At least for a night.

And so I had my dreams, one of which reminded me how the slightest physical touch can be so lasting, I have not been close to anyone since the days of secondary school where bouncing like a bubble and holding hands with your friends are the norm. I woke up not wanting to speak to you anymore, disgusted by the way my subconscious views you; and then I replied to a text but the topic keeps diverting back to the person and I pushed my phone away.

Then I noticed the shut door; sudden wave of a feeling of great isolation - waking up first thing in the morning to find out that you are alone. I must have forgotten all about the shut door after my dreams because it hit me as hard as ever. I wondered what she was doing outside and if she had entered at all.

The urge to say good morning to her was strong, so I got up and did. All grudges from the previous night dissipated into thin air, the barrier I erected between us emphasized on nothing but the absence of each others' presence. She looked at me, smiled. I think we both would like to put the night behind us. I am glad that distance helped show how closeness is actually more desirable as tiring communication can be - I would not have realised this if I were not allowed to shut myself in.

Like this quote;

“I am resolved to wander so long away from you until I can fly to your arms and say that I am really at home with you, and can send my soul enwrapped in you into the land of spirits.”

Ludwig van Beethoven

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She told me she couldn't sleep when I closed the door. I hid my eyes from her. Then told me about things she learnt during class, exercises, it was a comfortable moment. It felt simple.

When you look at your parents you feel like you do not know what love is at all. I do not know what love is at all.

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Now, to work. For the whole day. Remember: long term.